My Wife Hates My Xbox

On My Radio

I have been remiss in my posting duties here.  I could say that I've been playing Gears of War every night just trying to get past General Raam, but I've been playing that one f'in mission for months now and still can't beat the bastard.  However, I do find that now matter how often I get torn to shreds, I'm right back up hitting Continue, hopeful that I have found that one move that will save my ass from further rending.  I am getting so pwned.

I remember getting my first Xbox and being all Halo all the time.  I mean, I was Master Chief even in my sleep, dreaming about how I was gonna finally get around Covenant forces during Assault on the Control Room while playing on Legendary.  I would wake up some mornings and, before even taking a shower, fire it up and try my dream solution.  More often than not, I would fail miserably - some times, not so much.  But, honestly, I was really only ever obsessed with one game.  Sure, I played others, but they never held my attention like Halo did.

Now, I have a 360.  And I find at times I'm suffering from attention deficit disorder.  I still love Halo (3 now), but Gears of War, Bioshock, Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty IV...um...wow....just wow.  Whether it's the depth of the environments, the storylines or just that they're ridiculously fun to play, I don't know, but I sometimes feel as if I'm cheating one of my games by playing another.  Some of you know what I'm saying, right?  Right?  Hello?  Fine.  Whatever.  Denial's not just a river in Egypt, people.

I was telling Tony this afternoon that I've gone over the edge.  I have developed an unhealthy dependence on podcasts as of late.  And a majority of them 360-related.  Currently on my iPod I'm listening to Natalie and Nelson (Talking About Games) on Achievement Junkie; the crew at Xbox360 Fanboy; and Major Nelson's Blogcast.  It's so bad that I listened to the entire Microsoft keynote at E3 on Major Nelson's show the other day.  Also at Talking About Games, I listen to Uncle Gamer Radio.  Parris and Jay also host another show over there that I've become quite a fan of called Remember When, which for you 80s pop culture geeks like myself, is just pure gold.  And speaking of the 80s, there's Stuck In the 80s as well - they just did a Top 10 list of the best Phil Collins songs and recently interviewed Phil Oakey of The Human League.  I know, I know, I have a problem.  I also listen to The 10th Wonder podcast for my Heroes info and The B.S. Report when I have to have my Boston homer/sports fix because, well, everyone needs a little Bill Simmons in their life.  Who else can seamlessly blend Karate Kid and L.A. Confidential?

There you have it, just a little more insight into the twisted psyche of mr. big dubya.

Xbox Paradisio

I've made little secret of my console preference.  Hell, this blog is named after it.  So when I got the e-mail asking if I wanted to attend an event previewing all their new games, I was all over it like a bum on a sandwich.

Ostensibly I was there as a representative of DadCentric, reviewing their new family-friendly offerings.  I felt it was my obligation to focus on all the new services designed to make the Xbox more of a media center and kid-inclusive device.  It took about seven seconds for me to discard that illusion once I saw some buys playing Gears of War 2.

Let me first state that I haven't played much of the original Gears of War.  I loved the fast-paced gameplay and the way enemy heads exploded, but I was getting my butt kicked, and was quickly distracted by shiny object like Oblivion and Burnout.  I was sorta "meh" on the new version.  Until yesterday....

What I saw was so freakishly awesome-looking I probably looked like Marty Feldman watching it.  I saw some guy firing down at a horde of enemies from a window, as bullet-trails whizzed past his head. I saw the Hammer of Dawn fry some multi-leg monstrosity as it turned a corner.  I saw the heavens open and the light of God shine down upon me.  I shed a tear.

My next stop was Call of Duty: World at War.  Call of Duty 4 was my game of the year last year, and I was a little disappointed to see that we were yet again reliving the last righteous moment of glory the United States has had playing as World War II soldiers.  But the scene I saw began with you lying wounded, surrounded by other wounded soldiers.  An enemy soldier (probably a fucking Nazi) steps over some debris and starts executing my fallen comrades.  Next thing you know you're dragging your tattered body behind a wall so you can pick off enemies with your sniper rifle.  It's a brilliant collage of "war is hell"/"never say die" realism, enhanced by the incredibly realistic reactions of enemy combatants and the stunningly beautiful graphics.  Again, I had to pick my jaw off the floor.

Sadly, I didn't have time to look at Fallout 3, and I had only a few brief minutes with Fable 2, when I was taken upstairs to view the "family-inclusive" games.  This is when the true highlight of my day occurred. 

Madden 09

I met one of the developers, who was there to demo the new version.  I started off with a few pieces of history and feedback:

1. Madden 01 is what made me buy a video game system in the first place.
2. I've owned four Madden titles since then
3. I love football the way you probably love your children
4. Collectively I've spent a total of 10 hours playing all of them, because I can't figure the shit out

With that as our premise, he demonstrated some new tweaks.  First off, it actually teaches you how to play with far more intuitive training tools.  Second, it recognizes that you may be a novice at running plays but intermediate at passing plays, and adjusts the difficulty accordingly.  ON A PLAY-BY-PLAY BASIS!!  Then, Chris Collinsworth will come on and actually explain the play and how you could have done better.  You're no longer required to have a Belichik-level knowledge of the game to select plays.  The controls are streamlined.  And no fucking Marshall Faulk reading from some retarded script.

And the graphics....oooooh, the graphics.

The developer spent a good five minutes zooming in on the grass and pointing out the flashbulbs in the stadium and the security guards at the entrance.  Is it that important?  Not really, but it does add to the experience.  For my money, watching guys getting gang-tackled without video glitches was enough to sell me.  Looks like fifth Madden title will be on my birthday list.

I could say more about the family games they showed me, but you can read about all that on DadCentric.  The fact is that the Xbox division is the one shining bright spot in the ever-fading constellation of Microsoft, and these dudes GET what us geeks are looking for.  You can appeal to families and you can appeal to freaks like me...you can do both!  They GET it, and god bless them for it.

Now let's hope they keep me on their short list.  Daddy needs an advance copy of GoW2....

The Day the Music Died

I was walking through the local Best Buy recently when much to my delight I discovered a demo of Rock Band and its drum kit was on display.  I OBSESSED over Guitar Hero for most of last year, playing GH2 all the way through in a single sitting and actually claiming that Warrant didn't suck (to play, at least).  I've been salivating over Rock Band since I first saw the track list, and the thought of ripping my shirt off and slapping the kit at home turns me into a blithering idiot.  GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME

Yet it remains an object of desire.  The price tag is steep, and life in Brooklyn doesn't exactly lend well to ample floor space.  Add in a healthy dose of skeptical wife and you've got a recipe for perpetual want.  I ALMOST had it for Father's Day but my wife, as she struggled to lug the box to the counter at GameStop, abandoned her love for me and let her own accursed hatred of loud guitars force her to rethink the gift.

Alas, the wait would continue.

So when I found myself under the big-box lighting, holding two drumsticks as the opening notes of Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" cascaded down the screen, I felt a pubescent thrill course through my body.  My eyes latched to multi-colored discs on the screen, but my ears and my instincts were the ones driving the beat.  I was good...a natural.  My first time playing and I was already Keith Moon, Jon Bonham, Phil Collins.  It was everything I hoped and dreamed.

And it was loud.

The gratifying SLAP SLAP SLAP of the drumsticks on the pads had a deeper meaning. 

It was too loud.

Our daughter stirs in her sleep when I exhale and wakes up in a tirade when I sneeze.  Our apartment conducts sound like a megafone.  And my drumming was rocking the house.

If I bought this game we'd have to move.  Someplace with a separate wing.

I quickly calculated the cost.  Could it be worth it?  Do I want this so much that I'd initiate a house-hunt in New Jersey just to have it?

Is a 30-year interest only jumbo mortgage, plus $169 (before tax) worth it?

I gently placed the sticks back on the pads.  The demo flashed, asking if I wanted to play again.  I paused, taking in the pulsating colors, then bowed my head and walked away.

And the wait goes on.