My Wife Hates My Xbox

The Internet Will Be Waiting

No sooner do I let the world (or at least the 6 people who read my other blog) know about this site than I go on vacation for a few days. I was up in the Colorado mountains, looking wistfully at the gorgeous white powder on the slopes and the quiet chairlifts, abandoned because it was "the end of the season." Still, it was nice to get away, and the wife and I had a quiet, relaxing weekend in a virtually abandoned resort town.

I did, however, have my computer with me. I had thought to myself, "Self, you should write a blog while you're out here. What else are you going to do with your time? Aside from having quality-time with your wife, of course. That only takes three and a half minutes, anyway..." But I didn't.

I didn't not because I couldn't. I had wireless access and lots of time. I didn't because I knew I shouldn't. If I couldn't break the sweet, Siren-like spell of the internet, I would know that I would be forever lost, my soul mortgaged at 54 Mbps.

If I couldn't keep myself from checking e-mails, monitoring my Twitter account, updating my RSS feeds, reading my Facebook inbox, and refreshing PopURLs every three minutes while in a beautiful place for a romantic weekend, I would know for certain that I would be one of the first people eaten after the Apocalypse. What good would I be to the survivors if I was only functional near WiFi hot-spots?

And I did it! I'm quite proud of myself. It was like 1992 all over again, except without the grunge.

I had some help, though. Just days before departing, the fine fellows at South Park Studios had broadcast one of their finest works of satire, and it struck deep into my CPU. They shamed me--and many of us--by exposing just how pathetic we could be without our internet. And they were right...freakishly so.

If you missed it, or gave up after season 7, or just never got into crude animation, I beg you...nay, I plead with you...to watch this and ask yourself, "Is that not me? Am I not that addicted? Would I not go to Starbucks and then the Apple Store, too, were that to happen?"

Think about it. Think.....about....it..... (echo echo echo)

Four Year Old Boys...They GET Me

This afternoon, after taking my daughter to see They Might Be Giants at Town Hall, I met up with a famous local blogger for a little barbecue and parental bonding.  He and his family were going to a later TMBG show, along with another friend of theirs who had a four-year old son.

My job was to keep my kid from melting down completely (it was already an hour past her bed time) so I was distracting her with crayons and french fries when I noticed the boy, who was to my right, playing with an Iron Man action figure.

"Ooh, do you like Iron Man?  Where did you get that?"

He said something unintelligible, and his mother leaned over and said, "His father took him to Comic Con this morning."

Kid, you've got the best dad EVER

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I almost let my daughter walk out of the restaurant, I was so interested in finding out what the boy had seen that morning.

"Did you see Orson Scott Card or Neil Gaiman?"  I wanted to ask.  "Did Guillermo del Toro talk about making 'The Hobbit?'  Was Seth Green funny?  Was Mike Mignola signing copies of Alpha Flight?  And Grace Park...my god, was SHE there?"

You can't ask a four year-old to answer such questions, of course.  Believe it or not, I actually know that.  But that didn't stop the pang of jealousy I had for the boy, guilelessly sporting his little Batman t-shirt. 

As it turns out, he was only there for the Kids Day, before the floor was filled with nerds dressed as Hellboy and models dressed as Lara Kroft or Emma Frost.  I know in my heart that my own nerdiness cannot compete with that crowd, nor do I want to. 

Still, the chance to rub elbows with the guy who wrote Thundarr the Barbarian would have been pretty sweet.  Maybe I'll ask the wife next year if I can go, as long as I promise not to wear a fur cod-piece.
 

Gotta Love Those Swedes

I used to think Sweden was all about Abba, universal health-care, and bikini-teams.  But this last year has been eye-opening.

First, there's the music:  The Sounds, Jose Gonzalez, Jens Lekman, The Hives, Shout Out Louds, Ronderlin, Club 8, Peter Bjorn & John, and (if they're still around) the Cardigans.

Then there are these:

Because, you know, they cost more and take longer to make.  'Cause they're from Sweden.

Am I the Only Person on the Planet Who Could Give a Shit About GTA IV?

The whole gaming world is drooling and touching itself in anticipation of Grand Theft Auto IV. 

"New screenshots!  Yippee!  A new trailer!  AWESOME!  Online content!  IT'S THE SECOND COMING AND ALL OUR SINS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN!"

If the buzz about this is even 1/10th of what it appears, the college campuses and IT departments will be ghost towns for weeks after the launch date.

What I can't figure out is what the big deal is.  So you get to shoot up a night club and nail some hookers...so what?  Just another day in the 'hood.

At various times I've owned GTA III, GTA: Vice City, and GTA: San Andreas, and I think all total I've put in five hours between them.  They're BORING.  You yank a guy out of his car, you drive around, you shoot some stuff.  Repeat ad nauseum.   

I know the last few games have sold more copies Harry Potter.  I know that the series practically invented (or at least popularized) the whole "open-world" concept.  But that doesn't explain the appeal...it just describes it. 

Maybe this appeals to the revenge fantasy of every pimply, testosterone-addled geek who spends his off-hours watching John Woo movies, but I find it slow, redundant, and just plain tired.

So if you're reading this (which is highly unlikely) and you have some...ANY...explanation as to why this game deserves to be fellated so heavily by the entire industry, please let me know.  For my part, I'm saving my money for Okami.

UPDATE: OK, so the initial reviews are in and...um...well, let's just say that if someone wants to send me a complimentary copy of this (for the Xbox 360, please) I would be happy to explore it more fully and provide a more balanced, thoughtful review. I certainly want to be fair and unbiased...

Steampunk is the New Black

I admit openly that I think steampunk is cool as shit.

Something about the Victorian-era vision of the future, with it's copper and gears and cool-ass outfits, totally captures my imagination in a way this century's vision of the future--running on Windows Vista and at risk of major flooding--just can't.

I used to dig Howard Chaykin's American Flagg! and The Shadow comic books without realizing part of the appeal (besides the violence and sex) was the aesthetic. Then came Gotham by Gaslight and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and pretty soon I was hooked. I haven't yet had a chance to pick up any China Miéville novels, but if my recent experience with Bioshock is any indication I'm clearly not over it.

Of course, I don't have the time to indulge in this any more than occasionally paging through old Jules Vernes books or wincing whenever Wild Wild West is replayed on TNT. But a couple things did catch my eye recently that I wanted to share.

First, you've got to check out the steampunk reimaging of Star Wars and Justice League at Sillof's Workshop.

Second, check out this video of a guy in New Jersey with way too much imagination and time on his hands who modded a steampunk laptop.

Granted, I wouldn't want to lug that thing through security at LaGuardia. The last time I checked the TSA didn't have much appreciation for art or anything that looks like it could hide a spring-loaded dagger in it.

Not your Mom's Frogger

In the beginning, there was Pong.  And it was good.

No, it really wasn't, but it was there.  We wax nostalgic for all things Pong-like, but, in all honesty, it was mind-numbing, but it's what we had.  We, the people, could control something on the television.  Our actions - limited to twisting a knob to move a "paddle" up or down - could be seen, as they happened.  Ahhhh, this was 1976 and we had a whopping 10 channels to choose from and a set-top antenna to hone clarity.  But, we now had games we could play; flying cars couldn't be far behind.

Well, I’m still waiting for my flying car, but gaming sure has come a long way. By way of introduction, I’m not a hardcore gamer – my gamer card on Xbox Live calls me a Recreation player. I’m the casual guy. I play when I have the time – long after the kiddies have gone off to bed. But I’m not new to the arena by any stretch. My early and mid-teens were spent (or mis-spent) in arcades and bowling alleys playing Tempest, Galaga, Battle Zone, Defender, Time Pilot and Spy Hunter among myriad others. At home, there was an Atari 2600 with Frogger, Ms. Pac-Man (for mom), Pitfall and Space Invaders. Let’s hear it for the gateway drugs! Friends had ColecoVision or Intellivision and then came Nintendo. Oh, the wonders of Super Mario Bros. and Tecmo Bowl. These were great, but in all honesty, incredibly repetitive. If you hadn’t memorized the first three or four levels of Frogger by the fourth or fifth playing, well, you were just destined to be roadkill.

But then came the next generation. I had a Sega Genesis and played Sonic and Kid Chameleon for hours on end. But there was no plot; no driving force other than to collect rings or 1Ups. Then PlayStation and Xbox both found their way into my house and plot became an integral part of the gaming experience. Now I’m on the 360 and I am in awe of its hi-def glory and the intricate plots and twists of the games in my library. Sure, I’m shooting like crazy and blowing things up with abandon, but there’s a reason; an endgame; a conclusion. I’m also faced with moral dilemmas: do I save the Little Sisters or extract the Adam from them by force? Can I trust my enemy? For all this, I am rewarded with sweeping, detailed environments; fantastical worlds; and cinematically presented cutscenes that make Pong look like, well, Pong.

Gotta go. I’m scheduled to battle a Leadhead Splicer while trying not to piss off a Big Daddy…yet. It’s sleepy time, Mr. Bubbles.

Now I've Seen it All

I've seen some crazy-assed shit come out of Japan in the past, but this has got to take the cake.  Introducing Super Pii Pii Brothers for the Wii.

I wonder when the first reports of "injuries" from the new Wiimote harness start leaking. Heh heh...."leaking"

(BTW, you may have to click on the video progress meter a couple times to make it work)

My Hero Zero

One of the few joys in my otherwise ponderous existence is the weekly video game reviews by Yahtzee Croshaw, a "British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder."  He writes for The Escapist, and produces blindingly funny animated reviews of current games under the pseudonym Zero Punctuation. 

The genius of his reviews come in part from his own experience as a video game designer, but mostly in the deceptively simply animation and his willingness to bypass the puritanical limitations on language that US reviewers have (phrases like "fagballs" and "triple-c*nted hooker" come to mind).  Some of his better lines include such gems as:

• "Halo 3 is by no means bad, what it is, is average, boilerplate, run of the mill, a competent shooter its only remarkable feature being the degree its stuck up its own ass"
• "It all began when me and some colleagues gathered at my house for totally heterosexual reasons when we broke out guitar hero on easy mode to celebrate our manliness are total lack to desire to fondle scrotums" (in reference to Guitar Hero III)
• "I could go on listing the stupid design decisions... so I will." (from "Clive Barker presents Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker")
• "Climbing, running, jumping, misjudging distance and face planting 6 stories down. Its actually FUN!" (from Assassin's Creed)
• "Part of Resident Evil's charm is that it still takes itself seriously despite having the most atrociously written story and dialog of any human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one to many clothes-lines to the head and decided he could act."  (from Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles)

There's more, of course, and most of you who's eyes twitch when the video games category on Digg gets a hit have probably already heard most of them.  But if you haven't had the chance to dig into his archives and watch him lambaste the most precious games in your library are really missing out.

By way of example, here is this week's review of No More Heroes on the Wii:

Enjoy!

Worlds Collide

I've recently become a fan of a great animated show, Avatar: The Last Airbender.  For those of you unfamiliar with the premise, it revolves around a character named Aang, who is destined to save the world from eternal conflict between kingdoms affiliated with the four elements:  earth, air, fire, and water.  The show plays out like an action-packed Miyazaki film, but with a nice blend of martial arts and Western sensibilities thrown in.  It's pretty freakin' cool.

I just finished the first season, and for the longest time couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen some of these characters before.  It was eerie, but I couldn't put my fingers on what was so familiar about them.

Then, thanks to the glory that is Wikipedia, I discovered the truth.

The main character, Aang...

...is voiced by the same person who also voices....PABLO!

NOOOOOOO!!!  Is there no refuge from my paternal obligations?  Is there no escape?  What's next...will Dora the Explorer guest star on Heroes?

The one consolation, after the shock and dismay had left my system, was that the voice of Katara, probably the second most important character on Avatar, is voiced by Mae Whitman, who you may remember as Ann Veal, aka "Egg", on Arrested Development.

Yes, her.  Awesome.

Tonight = Mass Effect

The wife is going out with a friend tonight.  Although I'm sure there will be multiple chores to do around the house, I'm thinking a couple hours of Mass Effect will have to be a priority.  I've got a buddy at work who's ahead of me in the story, and I can't let that happen....

Of course, it means she'll come walking in right when something awesome is happening (or more than likely I'm in the middle of 20 minutes of tiresome dialog) and I'll have to feign interest while she talks about her evening.  THAT is why they tell you to 'save often.'